I want to make a zoo with you.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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