Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
