My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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