We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
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I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
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Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.