I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
