she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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