Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
