i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
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