why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
