Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
zippers are such a cool invention
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
