You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
