I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
