Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
