I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
