i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
