who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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