Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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