apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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