my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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