She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
