I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
