Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
