It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
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