Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
