there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
