My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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