Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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