just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
