and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i drank out of a bidet.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
