Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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