nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
