i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
