ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
