The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
she looked like the before picture.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
