He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
