Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
