MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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