Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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