someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
