It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
