i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
