Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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