this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
