Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Randomize
