pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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