so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
