i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
