found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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