Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
