i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Blood and glitter go together right?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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