I must be too annoying 4 u.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
