he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
