From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
