I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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