why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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