imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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