I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
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