is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
