So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
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Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
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I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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