When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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