I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
