In the future we'll all be gay
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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