When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
