separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
