I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
They have beer where we have blood.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
